So much of what we learn about love is taught by people who never really loved us.
The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies and the pain that ensues as a result lingers in the depths of your heart and soul. But, as Paolo Coelho famously uttered in The Affair, "Beware when making a woman cry. God is counting her tears."
Over the past year, I have received hundreds of inquiries from women experiencing heartbreak, and while those closest to me often say, "Kelly, you're not Mother Theresa, you can't help everyone," the best response that comes to mind is, "You're correct. I am not. She is dead. But I can be Mother Kelly."
Right now, many of you may feel as if your life has shattered before your very eyes, and if you happen to be in your 30's, like I am, you may feel as though your chance of having a family has dissipated, but I can assure you that there is hope. Although lost time is never found, you can and will recover from your current travesty, and you can, with the proper healing mechanisms, get to a place where your daily life can be your temple and your religion.
The purpose of this "letter" is to provide you with some of the tools that I have used to heal, and while my heart seems to be in repair indefinitely, I have come a very long way on my road to recovery; thus, I want to share some tips with you in hopes that you will gain some of your spark back:
(1) Have you been told that you are crazy? Did your significant other first shower you with attention, and then start to withdraw to make you feel worthless, to make you question your self-worth? If so, chances are that you devoted a portion of your life to a malignant narcissist, a psychopath or a sociopath (or, perhaps, a combination of these personality disorders). Please "like"Psychopath Free on Facebook to help reinforce your sanity. The way that this "class" of humans treats those whom they claim to love would make any normal person be on edge. At the beginning of a relationship, these predators will use what's called "love bombing" to hook you.
This level of attention may be flattering to you but don't fall prey to this form of manipulation. Once they have you under their thumb, you will enter the devaluation phase, using triangulation to keep you on your toes. They make you feel crazy so that they do not get held responsible for their inappropriate behavior. They will manufacture situations to make you feel jealous. They will say that you over-analyze everything and have "nothing to worry about." They will talk about their exes all the time, often in graphic detail, idealizing them and thereby devaluing you. They will flirt in public, acting as though you do not exist. They truly get off on manipulating your emotions. They are con artists and your heart is merely their canvas. But remember that you are the wonderful YOU, and they are nothing more than someone that makes others say EWWW.
They may start attacking your physical appearance. You are too fat. You are too skinny. You need to go the gym. You should color your hair. Stop wearing your hair up. It looks so much prettier down. Why are you wearing that lipstick color? The purpose is to diminish your self-esteem and feel as though you are not enough. But, as you will soon learn, throughout the healing process, you deserve the world. Often, the greatest love belongs to the woman with a wall up. You deserve a man willing to climb it.
In my personal experience, as I look back at memories from the past few years, I was in phenomenal shape but I was not truly happy, for I was seeking validation from others rather than from within. My eyes have drastically changed. Throughout 2014, my eyes looked as though I had just come back from war. Now, they are bigger and greener than they have even been, much more beautiful than they ever were previous to my heartbreak. It is true when they say that the eyes are the window to the soul, so pay attention to what feeds your soul, and do that.
Trust me when I say that if a man is treating you like he doesn't give a s**t, he genuinely does not give a s**t.
Truth is like blood underneath your fingernails but as I have come to realize, it's better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie. The trouble with the truth is that it can change everything, and anyone who fits the description of any of the personality disorders that I described above finds pleasure in hurting others, and by the time you have figured them out, they have already begun "love bombing" their next victim.
TIP: Keep a diary of the events to keep yourself grounded in reality.
It's not overreacting to ask your significant other for what you want and what you need.
Sadly, I feel pain in such exquisite detail that it would be beautiful if it weren't such agony.
Once you venture back into your old journal entries, you will realize that your intuition was correct all along and that you are, in fact, very sane. This will help detoxify you from predators who truly do not deserve to be categorized as humans.
“If a man expects a woman to be an angel in his life, he must first create Heaven for her. Angels don’t live in hell. ”
(2) Do NOT trust ANYONE linked to the person who betrayed you.
As you will soon learn, people who you were once "friends" with will not want to get involved and will have loose lips. Chances are these "friends" knew what was going on but failed to tell you. Is that the type of person you want in your life? I don't think so.
(3) The Bible may become your best friend.
When God closes a door, praise Him in the hallway until He opens another. I am by no means a Bible thumper. Never have been. But in March 2015, I was in cab coming home from Soho, speaking to the Haitian driver. He asked me if I believe in God. I said, "Of course, I do. Want to hear a story about Karma?" I told him what I had just experienced and he said that he had to travel far but that he was going to buy me a very special Bible. He dropped me off at home and I patiently waited. A week passed, two weeks passed, and still no Bible. I was disappointed thinking that he had lied to me but a few days later, I received a phone call from him saying that he could not find my address. As it turns out, he had been going to West instead of East. The next morning, a gorgeous turquoise leather Bible embossed with flowers and a note wherein he told me which sections to read was awaiting me in the lobby of my building. I opened up the Bible and starting reading, and for the first time, I stopped asking myself, "Why me?" Here's a few verses that continually help me as I glue my heart back together, providing me with the strength that I need to ensure that my wounds do not turn me into someone that I am not. In learning, you will teach, and in teaching, you will learn.
The world is in your hands, my darlings, so fall in madly in love with yourselves. Before you know it, you'll see everything more clearly, and you'll realize that God rearranged your life because He has better plans for you. Trust the process.
Without a shadow of a doubt, grief never fully dissipates but it does change shape, and while some hurts never completely leave your heart, you can and will find love again, starting with unconditional self-love.
Be the heroine of your own life, NOT the victim.
TIP: Repeat this affirmation daily: "I am love. I am attitude. I am strength wrapped in beauty. I am the type of woman who strikes fear in the hearts of weak men. I am the type of woman that only a strong man can hold.
- "I will walk in faith even when I cannot see." ~Corinthians 2:5-7
- "With the faithful, you will prove yourself faithful." ~Psalms 18:25
- "Lord you light, you light my lamp; my God, illuminate my darkness. With you can attack any barrier and with my God, I can leap over any wall." ~Psalms 18:29
- "I pursue my enemies and overtake them. I do not turn back until they cannot get up. You have clothed me with strength for battle. You have made my enemies retreat before me. I annihilate those who hate me. They cry for help, but there is no one to save them." ~Psalms 18:37-41
- "He rescued my from my powerful enemy." ~Psalms 18:17
- "Cleanse me from my hidden faults." ~Psalms 19:12
- "Give them back what they deserve." ~Psalms 28:4
- "Lord, when you showed me your favor, you made me stand like a strong mountain." ~Psalms 30:7
- "Turn away from evil and do what is good; seek peace and pursue it." ~Psalms 34:14
- "The Lord is near the brokenhearted. He saves those crushed in spirit."
- "Those who put their hope in the Lord. ~Psalms 37:9
- "Lethal poison has been pounded into him and he won't rise again from where he lies." ~Psalms 40:4
- "Cast your burden on the Lord and He will sustain you. He will never allow the righteous to be shaken." ~Psalms 55:22
- "A wise warrior is better than a strong one." ~Psalms 24:5
- "The one who digs a pit will dive into it." ~Psalms 27:27
- "Bloodthirsty men hate an honest person, but the upright care about him." ~Proverbs 29:10
- "He is a shield to those who take refuge in him." ~Psalms 30:9
- "Speak up for those who have no voice." ~Psalms 31:8
- "For with much wisdom is much sorrow; as knowledge increases, grief increases." ~Ec 7:16
- "There is an advantage to wisdom over folly, like the advantage of light over darkness." ~Ec 1:17
- "Wisdom is better than weapons." ~Jos 7:1
- "When you're in pain, the world stops and I listen." ~Isaiah
Hold your head high, gorgeous, for people would kill to see you fall.
Before you know it, you will make broken look beautiful and strong look invincible. You will walk with what seems to be the weight of the world on your shoulders, but, in due time, you'll make that look like an exquisite pair of gilded wings. Be patient with yourself.
You deserve the love you'd give someone else.
I personally am afraid of never being loved in the way that I deserve--selflessly, wholly and without condition, but that has not stopped me from giving love another chance, for in building up walls, you also eradicate the possibility of experiencing joy. But give yourself the time to let your heart settle. Be present with your pain. It's ok to shatter. Even the sky weeps. Embrace the pain; your heart will mend itself in time.
One day, the man who has broken your heart will fathom all that he lost in losing you and you will learn to appreciate all that you gained in losing him.
(4) Stay healthy.
Sadly, my experience had a drastic impact on my health. Firstly, I developed a hole in my esophagus from throwing up blood every day from the stress and pain of what was happening in my life, but as soon as I built up the courage to do what had to be done, the throwing up stopped and healing ensued. I also recently learned that my metabolic age went from age 22 to age 48 (I am 33), It is taking me what feels like forever to completely reset my body, and I am using various forms of natural healing to mend my heart. For example, over the past year, I turned to Louise Hay and metaphysical healing, and her work has done wonders for my soul. In conjunction with reading her work, I recommend the following vitamins to ensure that your body remains nourished:
- Gaba Calming Support
For nearly 13 months, I barely got out of bed. If I managed to rise by noon to saunter to the fridge for a sip of water, it was a good day. As someone who is nicknamed "Energizer Bunny" and "Piston Legs," and who has been a perfectionist since childhood, it has been very difficult to allow myself the time that is needed to truly heal 100%. My boyfriend Jay reminds me almost daily to not be so hard on myself, and, in that vein, I am most definitely a work in progress. The recovery process has been quite the journey, to say the very least, but as I have walked down this treacherous road, I've gained so much love and respect for myself. As the saying goes, some women are lost in the fire while others are built from it.
As Hay says, the key concept to changing your life comes down to a simple but difficult aspect and that is the mind:
- What we think about ourselves becomes the truth for us.
- The way we think is so important as it affects the fabric of our being on so many levels, psychologically, physically, emotionally, which is why Hay says that "there is only one thing that I work on and that is self-love and that is loving the self. When we really love and accept and approve of ourselves exactly as we are, then everything in life works.
- A lack of self-love creates a pattern of self-abuse and destructive sabotaging behavioral habits and patterns.
TIP: Seriously meditate upon uncomfortable issues that would make others cringe so that ultimately you can get to the root of your pain and heal your heart, which is the cause of all diseases and illnesses, bar none.
As Paolo Coelho said, "Life has a way of testing a person's will either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen at once."
Do not give into your fears. If you do, you will not be able to communicate with your heart. The pain that you are currently experiencing will transform you into a stronger person.
And please do not make the same mistake that I made by holding on for too long, because you'll break your heart in the process of holding onto someone who does not truly love you. You cannot allow a broken man to shatter you. You know how wonderful you are, so do not ruminate. In losing what you consider to be your world, you will gain the universe, and it is my sincere hope that you will eventually find a man who will gaze at you as though you are the only woman he has ever laid eyes on. If I could be granted one wish, it would be to shine like a jewel in the eyes of my significant other.
Don't settle for anything less that what your heart truly desires and do not forget that it is during the season of loneliness and isolation that a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly.
There's so much more to write, but I am in the midst of finishing a book called The Healing Code. Stay tuned for my review in my next entry.
Wishing you all an abundance of love and light. I am sending healing vibes your way.